Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
