Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
