one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
