I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
