Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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