the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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