Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
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In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
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I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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