Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
