dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
