First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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