Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
