god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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