She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm at about main and main street
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
