He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
