In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
