you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
