I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
