Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
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