Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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