is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
