I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
