I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
