I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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