I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
