I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
