You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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