Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
