I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.