Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
