I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
