Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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