Your face is a jimmy john
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
