I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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