The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
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At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
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Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.