fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with