i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
