My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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