You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
there's paper in my vomit.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
