he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
why do cheetos always look like penises
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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