The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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