matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
