my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
