my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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