Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
This baby is an asshole
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
