Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
