sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
