his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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