My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
