Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just want to make out with him forever
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
