God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
