Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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