I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
