there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
