I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
