Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
