life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
