Your favorite bartender is back from prision
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
